Ask the Rabbi is an occasional column appearing
on the website and in the Yesodot E-News. Your questions relating
to Judaism, Jewish life, your synagogue and your family member
with disabilities will be answered by Rabbi Shira H. Joseph,
Congregation Sha'aray Shalom, Hingham. Rabbi Joseph is a nationally
known expert on issues related to Jews with disabilities and
is the parent of an adult with a disability. She also has
a Master's Degree in special education and served as a public
school special education teacher before her ordination. Send
your questions for Rabbi Shira Joseph to director@yesodot.org.
Dear Rabbi,
The High Holidays are coming up and, because of his disability;
my child can't attend children's services by himself. If he
sits with my wife and me so that we can watch him, we have
trouble focusing on the service, and if he needs to get up often one of us has to
take him. Additionally I am afraid of what people will say
if he makes noise or behaves differently. I am also concerned
that my synagogue will ask me to pay for an adult seat (High
Holiday ticket) for him because he will be sitting with us.
What advice can you give me?
Rabbi Joseph responds:
Getting ready for high holyday worship for all of us, requires
preparation. When we have a child with disabilities, all the
more so in order to ensure that we, our child and our synagogue
community can find the reflective time that one so dearly needs during these
days of awe.
First, preparation and familiarity to the service is an important key to
success. It helps if you and your child are regular service goers during
the year. Stop by the synagogue over the next month---when the sanctuary
is full and when it is empty. Purchase or borrow a video of a high
holyday service. It should be watched like one enjoys any beloved video.
The music of high holydays should be recorded in advance, preferably by
the Cantor who will be conducting service. One can also purchase high
holyday music to enjoy. Listen to the music so that it is familiar.
Second, it is important to make your needs known. Do it early though.
While it is exhausting to always advocate for one's child, consider that
religious education and services are no different from in other aspects
of your lives. Clergy, executive directors and religious school
educators may or may not have the skills needed to help you at first
blush. You may need to teach them. I believe that they will be receptive
if they know what to do.
Consider the following: Do you need your family to sit in a special
place in the sanctuary? Sometimes, families need to sit in the front to
aid concentration, or near an exit, near a bathroom, away from
microphones, etc. Plan ahead. Are there enough handicap parking spots in
your lot? Nothing ruins a day of prayer faster than being frantic
before you even arrive. The synagogue should reserve both seats and
parking spots for you.
Many synagogues have special ed teachers who are willing to volunteer to
sit with your disabled child in order to allow parents to enjoy
services. The volunteer should meet with your child earlier in the week.
If one needs to hire an aide, there should be no charge for the extra
seat for the aide. There should also be no additional charge if one
needs to have a child sit with them at an adult service. While
synagogues have various policies for high holyday tickets and seating,
it is appropriate to make these requests. Educate the synagogue staff to
understand that the stimulation from a children's service may be too
great and that is why you are making the request.
Finally, be reasonable and flexible. Leaders in a synagogue are
responsible for the entire worshipping community. It is unlikely that
any decision or policy will meet everyone's needs all of the time. Make
sure that your child has the potential skill sets with appropriate
practice and modifications to enjoy the service and allow others to do
the same. Set your expectations appropriately. Remember, none of us are
perfectly behaved all of the time, but all of us are created B'tzelem
Eloheem, in the Divine Image. Enjoy praying together and may this new
year bring you and your family health and joy. L'shana tova.
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